Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Looking and Moving Forward, but Peeking Back

A week from now, I will be finished with two days of class at NYU. I'm working on my pre-program research assignments (i.e. homework) right now, wishing I had started writing these answers two weeks ago. But until Doc Brown comes through, it's impossible to change the past. But unfortunately, our brains are only set up to look into the past. We haven't yet mastered the art of looking into future, and, as you all know, my name is not Ms. Cleo.

I am very excited about many aspects of going to NYU. I know that I can pull my weight in an academic setting, I'm excited to live in New York City fox six weeks*, and I am excited to take a bold first step on a new journey in my life. The idea of this career change is also an exciting on, as I was not interested in my old career any longer. When it came to acting, I was slacking off too much and not taking steps to ensure my own success; I was setting myself

But there are many aspects about going to NYU that scare me, or at least fill me with apprehension. For the first time since 2003 at Hedgerow Theatre, I will actually be living in the same room as another student.** I'm a tough cookie who can handle anything for six weeks, but this is certainly a wrinkle in the plan. Then of course, I have to finish my homework before the course starts, and it's lack-of-completion freaks me out. (I have no right to complain; I'm the one who has been putting it off.) I'm also concerned that I will spend a lot of money for this education, and then I won't be able to find a job in the field. That at the end of this experience I will be right back where I am now, temping at a series of disappointing jobs.

But I know I'm smarter than that.*** Even if the New York publishing job doesn't come through right as the program is complete, hopefully NYU or my temp agency will be able to help me find something satisfying as well as lucrative. My future after the program is perhaps the biggest source of anxiety for me; I'm very excited to see what is in the future come mid-July, but I'm also very worried that there won't be anything there at all. I need to stop, breathe, and have more confidence in myself.

It is at times like this when I find myself falling into Doc Brown's white wig and lab coat, and trying not to wish about the job I didn't get in Philadelphia. I would like the stability, the money, the security, but I'm looking forward to working in NYC instead of Philly. I would really like to work in the big city, at DC Comics or elsewhere, and I'm reminding myself that the first step is often the scariest. Especially when you're not entirely sure where the road leads.

But I've taken enough time writing this blog (i.e. avoiding my homework), so I'm going to finish my endnotes for this entry and then head back to work. Rest assured that you'll be hearing from an over-stressed me again this week.

*- perhaps, and hopefully, much longer after completion of the program
** - the other program I applied for guaranteed single-occupancy rooms
**** - Statistically speaking...


Emily said...

A mentor of mine once said "If the decision doesn't make you nervous and doesn't put butterflies in your stomach then its not worth the challenge" When the norm just doesn't cut it we have to move out of our comfort zone to feel accomplishment and satisfaction. I keep remembering what my mentor said and it has taken me far beyond what I thought I could accomplish.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours.

JParis said...

Emily, well said. We're all hoping the best for you, Nick!

Nick M said...

Well said indeed, Emily. I've also heard it said that we should do one thing every day that scares us. And this has been a big scary year for me so far. But as I've also been saying as my motto for the year, "I'm ready to live up to my potential."

And thanks, Jeff. This blog won't be going anywhere, either. The focus will change, of course, but I'll still be here.